Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Recap: Kimmy Goes on a Date! (Season 1 Episode 3)

Any episode that starts out with a dream sequence is A-Ok in my book, and this one is perfect!

Because, although “Kimmy Goes on a Date!” opens with Kimmy dressed as Cinderella, she still lives in a closet. The dream takes a wrong turn when Kimmy suddenly finds herself back in the bunker, and is suddenly awoken by Titus, who she is straddling and comically choking.

Clearly, Kimmy has some issues, and Titus urges her to talk to someone. That sets us up perfectly for the rest of the episode.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline starts has an identity crisis of her own when her son’s tutor asks her about her family history, for Buckly’s homework, a family tree. We then learn that Jacqueline is actually Native American — which I’m not sure anyone saw coming.

Cue a flashback to her rebellious years back on the reservation, and wanting to look more like the models on her fashion magazines (A Sears Catalog…genius). Her parents just want her to embrace herself, and want to know why she can’t embrace their fashion magazines (Native American Sears).

Jokes like this make me seriously miss 30 Rock, and this show is full of them.

We learn that Jacqueline’s real name is Jackie Lynn, and she left South Dakota for Manhattan with dreams to marry 1992’s sexiest man alive: Nick Nolte. Her parents both did not understand and did not approve.

So she shrugs off helping with the assignment and the focus is placed back on Kimmy. Thanks to Jacqueline, Kimmy gets a cell phone (Is this a Macintosh?), dodges a few well thrown questions from Xanthippe about her family tree, and suddenly finds herself with an afternoon date, courtesy of Jacqueline.

Meanwhile, back at their apartment, Titus dodges questions from Lillian about why he is so dressed up. En-route to get new headshots, he doesn’t want his landlord to find out that he has the extra money to buy those instead of fixing the floor he damaged, so he makes up a quick lie about a funeral. Lillian feels guilty and insists on going with him to said funeral. This should be good…

Cut to Titus and Lillian at the funeral of an older Korean man.  Lillian sees a microphone in Titus’s pocket, meant for his headshots, but he covers by saying he was asked to sing at the funeral. He ends up accidentally singing “I’ll Make Love to You” by Boys II Men, which ends in an amazingly awkward moment.

Meanwhile, Kimmy meets her date, Grant Belden. He turns out to be an elderly man who has an imaginary dog and seems to be a little left of center with a touch of Alzheimer’s. That works perfectly for Kimmy, because she can talk and tell him anything, and he won’t remember.  It’s like her own therapist!

So she sets up a second date with him. They plan on dinner — well a 3 p.m. meal — so she can simply have someone to talk with. However, she realizes that maybe just saying things out loud, and not actually talking with someone, isn’t the best plan. There’s also  the fact that Grant is maybe a little too nuts.  She lures him home, with the help of Jacqueline (who she runs into in the street) by speaking German to him.

He thinks they are spies. It works.

Titus and Lillian come to an agreement when she confesses she knows he has money to repair the floor (she was spying on him through the hole in her floor he created).  Conceding, he gives her the money he owes her, but she gives it back, insisting he has to share his talent with the world.

The money gets stolen moments later. Pro-Tip: Don’t wave money in the air.

The episode ends with a flirtatious moment between Buckley’s tutor and Kimmy, setting up the hope for a bit of romance in her future!

Favorite Quotes:

Kimmy: “Please excuse me while I slip into something more comfy-womfy.”

Titus: “This isn’t the China town bus! You can’t just jump someone whose sleeping!”

Kimmy: “Why is your neck so greasey?”
Titus: “I feel asleep eating a hot pocket.”

Titus: “The world is NOT a root beer!”

Lillian: “Does anyone want coffee? I’m off to an AA meeting.”

Buckley: “We owned people!”
Jacqueline: “We still do honey.”

Jacqueline’s Mom: “We didn’t say anything when you started saying things like ‘Neato’ and ‘tennis’…”
Young Jacqueline: “It’s how White People talk mom!”

Young Jacqueline: “It’s 1992 and nothing has changed in this country. If you want to get anywhere you have to be blonde and white!”

Young Jacqueline: “God, Dad. Saying Indian is offensive now!”
Jacqueline’s Dad: “So what do you call sitting on the floor with your legs crossed?”
Young Jacqueline: “Criss-cross Applesauce”
Jacqueline’s Mom: “WE INVENTED SITTING LIKE THAT!”
Jacqueline’s Dad: “OH THAT’S INSANE!”

Jacqueline: “Why does it matter where I am from? It’s where I am going that counts!”

Kimmy: “Does it feel good to talk to her (a therapist)?”
Jacqueline: “Yes, but for my taste it’s a little too much penis. Oh, sorry. Freud.”

Lillian: “I hope you sing one of those sad Boys II Men songs. It always reminds me of those homies I’ve lost.”

Jacqueline: “Some things you guys told me were just dumb. Like using the whole Buffalo. Some parts aren’t good guys! Like the poop.”

Kimmy: “Sometimes the Reverend would tie our hair together. He called it a Braid-a-pied.”

 

What did you think of “Kimmy Goes on a Date”? Be sure to share your thoughts in the comments below!

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is available for streaming on Netflix.