The Flash Review: The Present (Season 3 Episode 9)

All I want for Christmas is a show that knows what it’s doing.

Unfortunately, The Flash Season 3 Episode 9, “The Present,” proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I and hundreds of viewers will never see that wish granted.

After the crazy superhero shenanigans of the DC Crossover, we’re forced to return to our regularly scheduled drudgery. Watching this episode is like the feeling you get when it’s the first day of school although you just got back from vacation at Disney yesterday.

As Alchemy stands at the Epcot ball talking to himself while shooting off the philosopher’s stone and threatening to turn even more people into metahumans, I am gifted with my very own vision of the possible future.

In this vision, it’s a world where Flash and Kid Flash team up to take down twice as many evil metahumans, enlisting the help of their old pals, Vibe and Killer Frost, while H.R. takes point back at S.T.A.R. Labs. Iris runs around Central City investigating the metahumans’ former lives and motives while Joe is close behind, ready to arrest the perps that both Flashes takes down.

It’s an alternate timeline where every character is useful and active.

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

But, alas, The Flash writers choose instead to plow through with the threat of another evil speedster and status quo-altering death that will also effectively eliminate 50% of the female characters in the cast.

As Savitar!Julian sits there spouting his prophecy, “one shall betray you, one shall fall, and one shall suffer a fate worse than death,” I thought that maybe the writers will surprise us, that none of these prophecy fulfillers will be who we think they are.

Maybe Cisco will be the one who betrays them, H.R. will be the one who falls, and Joe will suffer a fate worse than death by being trapped in the Speed Force.

But they can’t even wait until the end of the damn episode before stabbing Iris [and a great chunk of their fanbase] through the heart.

It has become unequivocal fact that the writers of The Flash (and I’m gonna go ahead and drag Arrow into this, as well) have stopped writing for the fans and are strictly churning out stories as pure fanboy masturbation. Iris is the least interesting character for them to write—a result of their own doing—thus killing her off isn’t as difficult of a decision as they would like us to believe. Less like they’re tearing off their own arms and more like they’re popping a zit.

Her only reason for ever existing is to be Barry’s sometimes-sassy girlfriend and to give The Flash producers a reason to pat themselves on the back. “Loooook how progressive we are! Barry’s walking fleshlight is black instead of white.”

Barry’s subsequent happy moment presenting Iris with a shared apartment feels like a slap in the face, as though having Iris and Barry act more like a couple is a consolation prize for the fact that in five months, she could be stuffed securely in that refrigerator.

All hope is not lost, however. The fact that Barry knows what could happen to Iris will certainly color his decisions for the next five months and because Barry is a meddler of cosmic proportions, we may see that his actions in preventing Iris’ death will create consequences worse than we can even imagine.

If Iris does die, however, it’ll be a huge relief because then Candice Patton can take her talent to another show that’ll treat her much better. Or theatre.

Bechdel Test Score: U

Because why ever would they? I’m not even sure why I keep this part of my reviews around because they are never going even remotely come close to giving any of the women on this show any sort of actual agency. Just… ugh.

Cisco’s Pop Culture References

• Indiana Jones, specifically the finale scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
• Jumanji

Sonic Booms or “Things that made me take my mind off the pain”

• This is the second time one of Grandma Esther’s recipes have come up. She be throwing down in the kitchen, apparently.
• Can someone green light a spinoff on Earth-3 where Mark Hamill just chews scenery all day?
• The “faster than Barry!…was at this point” caveats are getting repetitive. Just let him be faster. At the end of the day, Barry still has more experience, and he’s still a straight white male, so he’s in no danger of being upstaged.
• Barry read dozens of books and couldn’t find a single mention of Savitar. Apparently this universe doesn’t have Google, cos typing in “Savitar India” got me 51,900 results.
• “I’ve never had a sidekick before.” I suppose Jesse Quick’s role was so fleeting, he’s already forgotten she existed.
• Cisco’s being manipulated by Savitar via dead relative reminds me of the way Buffy’s The First would manipulate people into following It/him/them.
• So, Julian is technically an illegal immigrant who actually killed people even before he came to America. Wrap your brains around that, Trump supporters.
• Wally’s smile in hearing about the Speed Force could power all the lights in the West household.
• Please don’t make Caitlin and Julian a thing. Can she just go one season without… y’know what? Forgot which show I was talking about for a sec.
• Drunk H.R. is the Best H.R.
• Those Carolers out in the rain need to get their lives together. It ain’t worth it, honeys.
• Caitlin can manipulate the weather without going evil. There’s hope yet.
• “I got you a wallet.” This made me chuckle. The way that you chuckle at a joke in a eulogy.

What did you think of this episode of The Flash? Is there hope for this show? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

Reviewer Rating:

User Rating:

 

The Flash airs Tuesdays at 8/7c on The CW.

Follow us on Twitter @TelltaleTV_

When Bad Wigs Happen To Beautiful People on TV