Vanderpump Rules Recap: Reptilian Brain (Season 7 Episode 13)
On Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 13, “Reptilian Brain,” Beau introduces Stassi to his mom for the first time. Ariana and Tom discuss their future. Kristen grows tired of defending her relationship with Carter.
The official title of Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 13 is “Reptilian Brain,” but we should really just call it “Married With Children, Lala Stars in a Terrible Movie.” The episode revolves around the pros and cons of settling down, and Lala’s increasing lack of regard for the fact that she’s beginning to sound like a gold-digging whore (I say that with nothing but love for Lala).
Brittany and Katie — equipped with baby bottles and tequila — are ready to lend Lala their shoulders to cry on following her breakup with Randall. But Lala arrives and announces that her split from her movie producer beau lasted roughly 17 hours. Lala chalks their split up to her being overly emotional.
Hey, everybody makes mistakes, but if you happen to be a really rich guy who says he’s sorry, Lala can turn the other cheek. Thank goodness because Randall produced an independent “thriller” which is set to premiere the following day, starring none other than Lala.
There’s no shame in my game when I admit that I bought one of Kristen Doute’s james mae T-shirts (surprisingly affordable). I’ve also whiled away the hours listening to Stassi’s podcast, Straight Up With Stassi, so there was no way I wasn’t going to check out Lala’s movie, The Row.
This low-budget horror movie is about a maniac killing sorority girls, and Lala is the virginal heroine. You know when movies are so bad, they’re actually good? Well, this isn’t one of those movies. Had The Row amped up the camp, old Randall may have had a Sharknado for the horror masses on his hands.
Sadly, everyone in this movie (available for the low price of $5.99 on Amazon) takes it way too seriously. While Lala possesses a certain amount of charisma in “real” life, she falls flat on the big screen. Lala would be wise to stick to reality TV. Maybe she gets herself a spin-off in the near future.
My question is how Randall, a producer who is tied to absolutely horrible films, is still able to keep Lala in the manner to which she’s become accustomed. Even a bad producer makes fat bank in Hollywood. Excuse me as I power down my computer and head to La La Land to go into the movie biz.
Lala and Randall are back on the same page, but Ariana and Tom are not. Ariana isn’t interested in having a fairy tale wedding or popping out any kids. She’s got her sights set on home ownership. But Tom wants to make sure there’s room for a nursery.
Ariana tunes Tom out when it comes to the subject of kids, but these two are on very different pages when it comes to procreation. Tom can’t quite accept the fact that Ariana may not change her mind, and Ariana feels she’s made her position clear. If Tom isn’t down, she’ll buy out his share of their place, and he can kick rocks.
Ariana is positive she doesn’t want to have kids, and she’s really over everybody questioning her about it. Ariana has a message for everyone, “Stay the f**k out of my uterus.”
One couple who are very much on the same page are Beau and Stassi. Stassi finally meets Beau’s mom, Isa, who also happens to be a psychotherapist. This clarifies for Stassi — and all of us — how and why someone as seemingly normal and nice as Beau would end up with such a non-basic b**ch.
Now, one would think Stassi is any potential mother’s-in-law nightmare. But either Isa has never listened to Stassi’s podcast, or watched previous seasons of Vanderpump Rules, because Isa seems down with Beau and Stassi. Stassi doesn’t even pretend to play it cool, telling Isa she hopes they’ll be related in the future.
Beau conveniently excuses himself to go to the restroom. He leaves his phone recording, so he can hear what these two hens cluck about in his absence.
Stassi manages to behave, and Isa is just happy someone loves her son so much. Stassi should learn to dial back the F-bombs when not hanging out with her gal pals. Nothing says class like a girl swearing like a sailor.
Isa decides to dole out some free relationship advice to the gang, and Kristen offers to hold this group therapy session at her and Carter’s apartment. Yeah, that’s still going on despite Katie’s and Stassi’s best efforts to make Kristen feel terrible about her boyfriend.
Kristen has decided that age the age of 35, she’s basically ready to settle … down. So she wants her friends to just shut up and support her decisions.
Isa lectures about the “reptilian brain” which controls vital functions, including the infamous fight or flight syndrome. It’s not entirely clear to me how this ties into relationships other than when people are triggered, and act like a**h***s, it’s because they have lizard brains.
In the wake of Isa’s talk, Tom and Ariana come to the conclusion they may discuss having kids in the distant future, and, apparently, Tom will do all the heavy lifting. All Ariana has to do is fulfill her biological destiny, and he’ll handle the rest.
The other option is Tom procures a kid on his own, and Ariana can hang out or not. It’s all very “progressive.”
Stassi and Katie get into a fighting match with Carter who blames them for his crappy relationship with Kristen. Always the purveyor of peace and love, Kristen decides to sage everyone involved in the conflict. Did Isa say reptilian brains or bird brains?
What did you think of this episode of Vanderpump Rules? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.
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Jennifer Lind-Westbrook
Jennifer has been working as a freelance writer for six years, contributing to BuddyTV, Screen Rant, TVRage, Hidden Remote, Gossip On This, and PopMatters. She prefers binge-watching old episodes of The Office (British and American versions) to long walks on the beach. She's still holding out hope that Happy Endings will get a revival.