Vanderpump Rules Recap: Ice Queens (Season 7 Episode 5)
On Vanderpump Rules Season 7 Episode 5, “Ice Queens,” Stassi and Ariana celebrate their birthdays with a winter-themed blowout. Jax learns not everyone is convinced he’s changed his ways. Lisa continues to worry about James.
Lisa may have fired James, but the patron saint of Chinese dogs (and furry and feathered friends) everywhere is hoping this particular dog can learn new tricks.
When in doubt about how to handle a problem ex-employee, Lisa does what any good boss would do — she calls James’ mommy.
Lisa feels like James’ bad behavior is a personal failure and laments her tendency to get so involved. This doesn’t stop her from continuing to make viewers think she plans to give James a second chance. It hasn’t happened yet, but it’s coming.
So, James’ mum, Jacqueline, who boasts she’s been clean and sober for nine months, is summoned by Lisa (Ms. Vanderpump if you’re nasty). Lisa expresses her concern about James, and his disrespect for women.
Jacqueline immediately jumps to her son’s defense, claiming women provoke James. What else can he do but call them “bitches,” “sluts,” and fatties? He’s just a baby of 26. Jacqueline “gets that there’s this whole movement of women,” but, you know, stuff happens.
Lisa breaks the news she’s fired James, and Jacqueline is devastated, claiming Lisa is like a mother figure to James. Lisa has to point out that Jacqueline is James’ actual mother. After this exchange, it’s no small wonder James isn’t more screwed up.
As for James, he swears to Lisa he’s going to change his ways, only to turn around and talk trash about his co-stars (I chose that word over friends for a reason) directly into the camera. It’s like these people forget their comments will come back to haunt them once the show begins airing.
Misogynistic British blokes aside, please let me someday visit L.A., so that I can enjoy a “booty smoothie.” You can always count on Bravo’s reality shows to introduce the newest ways to rejuvenate, replicate, and reincarnate body parts.
This procedure is a facial for the ass. Lala explains the absolute necessity of this pampering.
Lala: A female booty goes through a lot. We’re sitting on toilet seats. We’re getting banged from behind. Like… it takes a beating.
Speak for yourself, Lala. But this does provide producers with a great excuse to give us a look at Brittany’s and Lala’s perfect bums. It’s also when Lala decides to tell Brittany that Tom Sandoval and Ariana aren’t sure Jax is heading to the altar in the right frame of mind.
It’s no secret — to anyone besides Brittany and Jax — that people are questioning if Jax’s proposal has more to do with his daddy issues than his desire for monogamy.
Brittany waits until hours before Stassi and Ariana’s joint birthday party to tell Jax his bestie is talking about him behind his back, setting the stage for a confrontation.
Jax is hurt, Jax is pissed, Jax is offended. He would never talk about how screwed up Tom Sandoval’s relationship with Ariana is. That is just so uncool, man. However, Jax will, literally, insert himself into his friends’ girlfriends.
Despite looming party fouls, Stassi is super stoked about turning 30. She spends a lot of time telling everyone how much she’s grown and changed. Season 7 Stassi is definitely more chill than prior Stassis, but you know her constant chatter about being new and improved will blow up in her face.
Only gorgeous reality TV stars could afford the over-the-top extravaganza thrown by Stassi and Ariana for themselves. Everyone’s in costume, everyone is in good spirits, making viewers wonder when the shoe will drop.
It turns out to be an anti-climactic evening. Jax confronts Tom who is sufficiently apologetic. For some unknown reason, Raquel decides to show up, even though James was uninvited. She continues to defend her man, infuriating the likes of Katie, Kristen, and Stassi.
James spends his evening having a heart-to-heart with Lisa who decides to slum it and “pop in” James’ IKEA-filled apartment. James has serious mommy issues which are understandable given the circumstances. James doesn’t respect women because he’s had such a jacked-up relationship with his own.
Lisa learns James is basically supporting his entire family, and the revelation has the desired effect. James’ situation tugs at Lisa’s heartstrings.
To be honest, only the coldest of the cold wouldn’t have some sympathy for James. Is it enough to overlook his douchebaggery? Not yet, but it’s getting closer.
The big birthday bash ends like all of Stassi’s other birthdays — with a psychotic meltdown. A drunk Stassi is ready to hit the hay, but her boyfriend, Beau, isn’t readily available. Stassi incessantly calls and texts him, digging what promises a huge hole that she’s going to have to climb out of later.
Beau isn’t up to anything shady. The dude is just hanging, but he’s not instantly at Stassi’s beck and call which earns him a phone filled with hateful texts and voicemails.
It looks like 30 isn’t that different from 29 after all.
What did you think of this episode of Vanderpump Rules? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8c on Bravo.
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Jennifer Lind-Westbrook
Jennifer has been working as a freelance writer for six years, contributing to BuddyTV, Screen Rant, TVRage, Hidden Remote, Gossip On This, and PopMatters. She prefers binge-watching old episodes of The Office (British and American versions) to long walks on the beach. She's still holding out hope that Happy Endings will get a revival.