Orange is the New Black Review: Status Quo is God (Season 5 Episodes 12-13)

With the exception of Game of Thrones, most long-lasting shows, particularly comedies, generally don’t take gambles on their characters’ circumstances. Everything usually stays in its place so that we can come back next week/season ready to watch more misadventures.

For five years on Orange is the New Black, we have watched the women of Litchfield laugh, cry, sing, fall in love, and live heartier lives than many people we know, all in one location.

Even had mock job fairs!

I mean, there was that one time where Piper was moved to a prison in… I wanna say Chicago, and we thought we’d seen the end of Litchfield, but it turns out that was temporary.

Then along came the riot, which certainly changed the balance of power in the prison, but Litchfield remained.

Now with the front doors Litchfield literally blown apart and the records of every inmate destroyed, the end of Season 5 of Orange is the New Black leaves us in a situation from which there is no return to the status quo.

On Orange is the New Black Season 5 Episode 12, “Tattoo You,” we return to the former life of Piper, the woman who started it all, with some additional scenes from Alex’s point of view and the return of Larry, who is a Pisces.

The flashbacks actually reminded me of where the show was in Season One: Taystee was only due to appear a few episodes, Red was chasing a mythical chicken, and we all called Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” with no irony. It was the simple story of a woman who got sent to prison where everything got more ridiculous, but still remained pretty episodic.

Look at where we are. Look at where we started.

Piper and Alex’s love story began as one of the central relationships and, as in any other show, this couple has seen their share of cloudy days and sunny skies and we followed along from the very beginning. So to see this whole thing culminate in a proposal with Piper literally afraid to die (a feeling she’s apparently never felt before), it felt… nice.

Don’t get me wrong. The two of them aren’t great together—Piper is a confirmed Gemini with a tendency to bail and Alex is a suspected Scorpio with a supernatural sense of self-preservation—but at the moment, all they have is each other.

Elsewhere, Taystee has lost the upper hand in negotiations after refusing to accept that Bayley won’t be charged as immediately as she’d wanted. Her pride keeps her afloat for a bit, but like most Leos, that pride only goes so far before self-doubt starts creeping in.

Rest assured, dear Taystee. You got much further than anyone else would have and that matters for something.

Unfortunately, thanks to Maria, the entire deal would have fallen apart anyway, rendering Taystee’s “what if” questions a moot point and ultimately removing all fault from Gloria (I knew they’d find a third option!), though unfortunately, neither of them are aware of this by episode’s end.

On Orange is the New Black Season 5 Episode 13, “Storm-y Weather,” the walls come crumbling down like Jericho… wait, were the bad guys trying to get into Jericho or keep the good guys out…? It’s been at least a decade since I’ve touched that book.

Anyway, the inmates are sent scrambling and somehow every scene is one display of awful right after another, as though the writers were trying to one-up each other on who could make a more terrible character. (“Get your pregnant ass on the ground!”)

We’re introduced to an entire legion of SWAT (two members in particular) who revel in the pain their jobs can bring and lack all regard for human lives. The fact that these monsters took town Season 4 and 5’s Big Bad, Piscatella, speaks volumes about how evil these men are.

If you think [too much] about it, they represent the system rather than any one particular person or idea. Where Piscatella, CO Coates, and Mr. Healy were all agents of The First Evil the System, meant to break these women slowly and individually, the SWAT Team is the swift, unforgiving physical manifestation of the System’s worst qualities: indiscriminate, racist, and misogynistic violence hiding behind “The Law,” a cruel and careless force with the power of a hurricane and the hatred of never having been loved as a child.

And the only way to fight it is arm-in-arm with your sisters of every color.

The final episode had me on the edge of my seat and things move so fast, there’s barely time to keep track of the other dangling threads:

• Is Sophia still in The SHU or will she get brought up and shipped off with the rest of the inmates?
• Is the Indian Doctor still locked in one of the porta-potties? I definitely missed where he went. I just spotted him in one of the press photos with the other guards.
• What consequences will Daya face for shooting a guard (who’s now dead)?
• Is Pennsatucky technically free? With no records and no one looking for her…
• The Counterfeit C*nt of Connecticut may become an inmate for longer than she had originally planned while they sort out who goes where.
• Will there be an investigation now that Bayley is in the wind?

I loved the finale, loved the imagery, and that final scene is absolutely everything. 5 stars for both.

“Tattoo You” (Character[s] of Focus: Piper and Alex) – 5 stars

• Love that they called out Whole Foods and Whispers for their prison labor practices.
• Taystee continues to dominate even on no sleep. “People who murder people shouldn’t just be walking around.”
• Linda: “There is such a thing as too big.”
• So as it turns out, Maria, you betrayed everyone for absolutely nothing. This is what happens when you don’t work together.
• Red: “Without disappointment, she and I have nothing.”
• Yoga: “You can’t tell people to go and then blame them for leaving.”
• Piper’s Mom: “My child is trapped in a prison riot. One shows up for these sorts of things.”
• You really thought they were gonna kill Suzanne? Y’all must be new.

Storm-Y Weather – 18 Million Stars

• Soso, who hasn’t appeared in a few episodes this season, got one of the most powerful moments as she sat there, living and defiant grief, silent and surrounded by the energy and love of Poussey.
• Nice try at redeeming the Meth Girls. I still hate them and the sudden realization that they’ve been the bad guys seemed more like “damn, we only have 5 minutes to wrap this up” than an earned epiphany, but… yeah.
• The way Caputo immediately just knew the missing inmates were in the pool and Fig’s pointing out that he never had it filled in either makes one wonder if he knew Frieda was down there building a collection the whole time.
• One last incredible performance from Danielle Brooks this season. The GOAT.
• Nice tease there, making us thing Piscatella would hear Alex’s secret and go tell someone. Then BLAM! Some part of me thought it seemed too easy.
• Flaritza’s separation got me.
• “To Build a Home” by The Cinematic Orchestra, one of my favorite songs, came out 10 years ago (!!) and I’m still hearing it on commercials and, obvi, TV shows:

I have to watch that again.

What did you think of this episode of Orange is the New Black? Do you think they kept up the tradition of Season 5 being a show’s best season? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below!

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Orange is the New Black is currently streaming on Netflix.

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