Dirty Dancing Review: Put This Movie in the Corner and Keep it There

Did you have the time of your life? Because I sure didn’t.

ABC’s retelling of the beloved 1987 film, Dirty Dancing, falls short for numerous reasons. (And when I say numerous, I’m not exaggerating.)

I’d love to tell you that I went into this “television event” with an open mind, and a completely unbiased opinion, but the truth is that it’s nearly impossible to do that.

Dirty Dancing is a solidified piece of pop culture history from beginning to end.

While I can appreciate the efforts that went into recreating the magic that happened when Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey spent a summer dancing and falling in love as Johnny Castle and Frances “Baby” Housman, I can’t deny that I found the weak attempts at recapturing that chemistry to be mostly offensive.

Offensive is a harsh word, I’ll give you that, but it’s the word I’m choosing to stick with.

The story comes to fruition by way of an adult Baby heading into a Broadway theater to see (what else?) Dirty Dancing, a play that’s clearly based on her life. It’s a weak and cheesy premise to start on, and it’s a red flag that everything about to follow is just a bit off.

The biggest problem with ABC’s Dirty Dancing is its unwillingness to be different.

Much of the film is word for word from the original and rather than moving the story to a new decade, or giving it some sort of makeover, it feels more like watching a high school play.

Even the poster and promotional materials were strikingly similar to those used in 1987.

I wish I could say that the new material given to the audience enhanced the experience, but instead the addition of marital disconnect between the Housemans and a beefed up affair story between Vivian Pressman and Johnny feel out-of-place. The tacked on stories feel like afterthoughts. They seem like attempts to better utilize the cast and give the audience something to focus on that isn’t Baby and Johnny.

Which is probably a good idea, in theory, because Baby and Johnny are the weakest links in the story about themselves.

I love Abigail Breslin. I was delighted to hear that she’d been cast as Baby. I thought she’d bring something fresh to the role. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

Breslin’s casting as Baby somehow made the character seem childish, something I never felt while watching Jennifer Grey dance on that bridge, struggling to learn how to do the mambo.

Baby feels like a child. She behaves like a child. Her romance with Johnny feels like watching a girl in junior high school admire her older sister’s college boyfriend.

By that same logic, Johnny’s fascination with Baby feels creepy — it was wrong. He goes from bedding a very sexy Katey Sagal to stripping down Breslin, and it’s both awkward and cringe-inducing.

The chemistry isn’t there. Not even a shred.

As for Johnny, it feels awful to judge the actor feebly attempting to fill Patrick Swayze’s shoes, especially when those shoes are clearly too large and impossible to successfully fit in.

Colt Prattes does his best — but in my opinion, he should have played Johnny in a completely new way, putting his own personal twist on the character, rather than doing an impression of Swayze, which is what it feels like.

Nicole Scherzinger’s Penny, in the very same way, falls flat of her own interpretation, also just feeling like someone doing an impression of the original.

It’s beyond disappointing that so much talent can miss the mark on something that’s so special to so many people.

That’s not to say it’s all bad.

I do find Sarah Hyland’s Lisa to be very likable. Lisa was an underutilized character in the original, and is given a larger role to play this time around as she falls in love herself with Marcus while he teaches her how to play the ukulele.

Katey Sagal also amped up the character of Vivian Pressman in exciting ways — can she just have her own movie? I’d watch that movie gladly (and hopefully have more fun watching it).

I’d say the most cringe-worthy moments come from Dirty Dancing not making a clear decision on whether it’s a movie or a musical.

At random, characters suddenly begin singing the music.

At random. It’s not every song.

The songs that are treated to becoming character-sung end up laughable — and those that become covers are just bad. I wish I knew what drove those choices. Why is it appropriate for Johnny to sing “Do You Love Me?” and for us to be treated to a techno-dance version of “She’s Like the Wind”?

The dialogue suffers from cheese. Too much cheese. An amount of cheese that no one wants to partake in.

This line in particular, made me say, “Oh no… why? WHY?” out loud:

Johnny: Baby, I’ve had the time of my life with you this summer…

Can you guess what moment of the movie came next?

And let’s talk about that “Time of My Life” sequence.

Having the characters partake in a sing-along version of the moment took away from any emotional impact that the dance itself makes (or rather, should make).

Baby is DANCING.

Everyone is JUST discovering what she’s really been doing all summer, and how incredible her relationship with Johnny truly is — she’s taught him about life and having goals, and he’s taught her that she’s capable of more than she ever thought she could be.

And this one dance signifies what they’ve meant to each other each step of the way through their relationship.

The DANCE is the star of that moment. That’s why the movie is called Dirty DANCING.

It’s not High School Musical, where every character takes a verse and shows off their own dancing skills (or lack thereof).

Though, truth be told, it’s a fitting ending to what is essentially a high school musical.

There’s an addition to the movie made at the end that serves to tell us what happened to Baby and Johnny years into the future, and it’s baffling to me what anyone thought it was a good idea.

The ubiquitous ending to Dirty Dancing leaves us to wonder and dream about what the future held for these two star-crossed characters who’d found love.

ABC’s Dirty Dancing decided to shatter all of our hopes and imaginary future scenarios by telling the audience pretty bluntly that Baby and Johnny don’t end up together, and that it was just a summer love, leading me to wonder why I even bothered to spend my evening watching this.

This remake was a disappointment from each and every angle. My hopes were adjusted going into it, and I was still somehow let down.

I can only be thankful that no one has decided to try their hand at a sing-along version of Flashdance.

Yet. (Please don’t do it ABC.)  

How did you feel about ABC’s version of Dirty Dancing? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

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