Eternally Yours Season 1 Episode 5 Review: Blood Bank Heist

Eternally Yours Season 1 Episode 5, “Steve’s Dream,” explores what happens when the vampires lose access to their blood supply.

As it turns out, the coven’s system of relying entirely on one weird Craigslist guy for blood is not super reliable. And they pay the price when Steve the Blood Bag Guy decides to skip town to chase his dreams.

It’s a harmless outing that puts Steve and Phyllis — two criminally underused human characters — at the forefront of dueling storylines.

It almost seems too soon to give in to Steve’s sad, lonely man aura and invite him over for board game night. The ongoing joke could have run for a good portion of the season, and it still would have landed.

That said, it is great to see the coven fall in love with him and embrace Steve as a new addition to their family in their own quirky way.

Plus, his brief attempt to chase a ridiculous dream leads the episode to pair Max, Charles, Jesse, and Emma together for truly dysfunctional fun. It’s so silly that their blood bank heist is foiled immediately by the most basic of vampire rules.

The fact that these ancient beings are thwarted by their own incompetence is just campy enough to make up for the fact that all four of them forgetting they have to be invited in is highly unlikely.

The real gem of this episode is Phyllis’ solo outing as she faces off against Liz for ultimate control of the house’s interior design.

Her painfully modern style of cheap knickknacks and kitschy art is a hilariously accurate assault on Liz’s ancient tastes. Liz is carving out spaces for priceless paintings and antiques, but because they refuse to tell Phyllis they’re immortal, she assumes Liz is some psycho who collects replicas of everything.

Liz being deprived of blood and losing her control over the situation makes these exchanges especially entertaining.

The final act where Phyllis outright blackmails Liz with Jesse’s framed hockey jerseys is such a cold-blooded move; it demands her respect as a core member of this ensemble moving forward.

This dynamic between the two women will be so much more fun when Phyllis is in on the vampire secret. Or, at the very least, she becomes self-aware enough to question why her family shares a house with another couple.

Now, if you’re going to invoke the Twilight name, you have to do it in earnest.

In the search for a new blood source, the coven tells Max that vampire bites will turn a human if they don’t finish the job. Max argues, “But in Twilight-” before Jesse hilariously responds, “Never ‘but in Twilight‘ us!”

It’s a really good joke. However, it’s also one that lacks elaboration from Max and comes off as an incorrect observation of the film (which is annoying if you are a fan).

Because vampire bites in that film franchise also turn victims, and Max’s brief statement before being cut off suggests he was pointing out the opposite rather than some deep-cut take. (Listen, reversing the venom is incredibly difficult and Edward is the only one with the restraint to do it, dammit).

It seems like a weirdly minor hill to die on, but if a vampire comedy wants to use other vampire lore from pop culture as part of the joke, it has to do so in a way that is authentic.

Additionally, the coven also debunks the classic animal blood theory several scenes prior, where this joke would have landed much better.

Eternally Yours has the potential to outlive its expiration date.

However, we’ve yet to see this sitcom’s formula click in a meaningful way. Several members of the coven still feel somewhat two-dimensional in scenes, with little individuality in their purpose beyond the vampire and human agendas established in the pilot.

We aren’t getting meaningful context into the coven’s living arrangement with Phyllis or what happened to Max’s life outside the mansion after he became a vampire. I mean, does he still have a job?

And the jokes aren’t flying with enough frequency to justify the vagueness of these vampires.

Their evening spent getting to know Steve is a good time, but it’s painfully forgettable in the same breath.

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Eternally Yours airs Thursdays at 8:30/9:30c on CBS.

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