The Bachelor Recap: I Still Get Jealous (Season 23 Episode 5)
Colton and the women vying for his affections jet off to Thailand this week on The Bachelor. Has there ever been this degree of extensive traveling this early into a season? I can’t remember. I guess Colton is a fairly high-maintenance star.
As has by now become started fare for an episode of Season 23, there’s a lot of making out and a lot of rampant insecurity and backhandedness on Week 5.
One-on-One: Heather
“Never Been Kissed” Heather gets the week’s first of two solo dates. The date is okay and decently scenic, though I find Heather to be incredibly boring. There’s not a ton of chemistry there.
That said, there are a few notable things about this date.
One is that Heather reveals she once dated a guy for eight months without even kissing him. Eight months! Without a kiss! That takes some seriously dedication / I’m not sure I really believe that Heather has never kissed anybody.
Also, the producers treat us to an assortment of hilarious close-ups of Colton’s mouth as he eats messy noodles, while Heather speaks in voice-over about how she wants to kiss him. Hot. Real hot.
In the end, the two kiss. Shocking, I know.
The smooch itself looks nice enough and is set up to be a picture-perfect first kiss. They’re down on a beach and there’s fireworks in the distance, and Colton sexily grabs Heather’s head and kisses her.
That said, I can’t imagine how this wouldn’t have been enormously awkward and uncomfortable, assuming it really is Heather’s first ever kiss. Regardless, she gets the rose.
As this first date of the week is going on, the women are back at the hotel where Elyse is slowly but surely having an absolute meltdown.
To be honest, I didn’t suspect this of Elyse. I really liked her during her one-on-one with Colton back on The Bachelor Season 23 Week 3. She came across as very cool and chill and self-assured during that segment.
In reality, Elyse ends up realizing that she can’t possibly say yes to a potential proposal after spending minimal time with a guy, and thus, this whole The Bachelor thing won’t work for her.
I can respect what she’s getting at, but girl — you knew ahead of time what the format of this show is. I guess she didn’t anticipate the competitiveness getting to her that much.
Elyse ends up breaking up with Colton and leaving the show abruptly, but she expresses regret for doing so on the way out. She even calls herself stupid. Based on her exit, I’m going to guess she attempts to come back and rejoin the competition at some point this season. No spoilers; just a guess.
The Group Date: Survivor, Bachelor-style
All of the other women except Cassie and of course Elyse (who left) are on this group date. It begins with the women trekking through the wilderness with Colton and a Thai guide named Joe.
We learn that Colton is terrified of snakes and Hannah B. is so desperate to get back into Colton’s good graces that she willingly eats a live bug — after last week eating a dang fish eye. Gag.
During the evening portion of the group date, Onyeka approaches Demi with some hot goss: Apparently Elyse told Onyeka, en route out the door, that Nicole said she was only on the show to find an opportunity to leave Miami.
For whatever reason, Onyeka believes that Elyse, a woman she first met mere weeks ago, is a paragon of truth and could not possibly have made this rumor up.
During some one-on-one time, Hannah B. confesses to Colton that she’s falling for him, after assuring him that she could survive the zombie apocalypse. And you know what? I believe her.
Onyeka pulls Colton aside to tell him about what Elyse said Nicole said, and yes, it’s about as middle school as it sounds. Colton is understandably perturbed that somebody might be there for the dreaded ~wrong reasons~.
When Onyeka returns to the group, Tayshia tells her off for having gone to Colton about what Nicole allegedly said and insists that Nicole did not say anything of the sort.
I’m inclined to believe that. Onyeka has been ruffling feathers for weeks now with her air horn antics and whatnot, whereas Nicole has laid pretty low.
In the end, Hannah B. gets the group date rose for having eaten all the gross things and not causing this week’s drama, I suppose.
One-on-One: Cassie
Cassie is one of the women I pinpointed as a frontrunner from the very beginning (along with Hannah G.), so it’s no surprise that her solo outing with Colton sends the remaining contestants into a frenzy.
Apparently, they’ve all clocked Colton’s clear interest in Cassie during previous group outings.
I’m not certain whether this group of contestants is particularly insecure or whether the producers are just choosing to highlight it. In any case, multiple women are very worried about Cassie’s relationship with Colton.
As they should be! The chemistry between the two is obvious on their insanely romantic boat trip date. They wind up on a deserted island and spend slightly too long making out in the ocean as if they aren’t surrounded by a bunch a large camera crew.
I’m not too fond of the evening portion of the date, where Cassie confesses her anxiety over the fact that she’s not a virgin. She apparently feels guilt over it.
This makes me so sad for her! And I don’t understand what point the producers are trying to make here by having all of these women relay whether or not they’ve ever had sex. It’s just awkward and comes across as a little shame-y.
Later in the night, the two end up canoodling in bed together. Colton is super into Cassie, and unsurprisingly she gets the date rose.
The Cocktail Party
Basically the only important thing that happens at the cocktail party is the Onyeka/Nicole drama coming to a head.
Nicole epically fires the next shot by pulling Colton aside and firmly telling him she never said what Onyeka said Elyse said she said (sigh). She also tells him that Onyeka has been bullying and belittling her for weeks. Apparently, Onyeka has been telling people Nicole is “emotionally unstable.”
Colton is not cool with the whole bullying thing and goes straight to Onyeka to tell her what Nicole said. She claims Nicole is lying, but she says some shady things which make me Team Nicole.
Onyeka and Nicole have their own confrontation while Colton is talking to Katie, and they’re so loud that he’s drawn over to try to mediate. That obviously doesn’t work at all, and he eventually storms off in a huff. From there, it’s…
TO BE CONTINUED
Yep, that’s right; no rose ceremony this week. Everyone except Heather, Hannah B., and Cassie are still in danger. I really hate these cliffhanger episodes.
What did you think of this episode of The Bachelor? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.
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Caralynn Lippo
Caralynn is a freelance writer and editor, but most importantly, she is a diehard TV addict. A few of her current favorites are Mr. Robot, You're the Worst, iZombie, and The Vampire Diaries. She also writes about TV for Romper, The TV Junkies, and TV Fanatic.