The Bachelor Recap: The Cougar Den (Season 23 Episode 2)

Colton Underwood’s journey to find ~love~ continues on Week 2 of The Bachelor. Perhaps realizing that Colton himself is a bit, shall we say, bland, the producers decide to liven up this week with a whole lot of comedic talent.

The best part of this episode is easily the guest roster. Second to that, there’s Demi’s gradual but undeniable emergence as the season’s villain. Yes, that’s right — I was totally off when I guessed in my review of the season premiere that Catherine would be filling that role. It’s clear now that Demi is the Corinne 2.0 in our midst.

So, let’s venture on in to the “Cougar Den” and recap how it all goes down.

First Group Date: Story Time

The first group date is finally here!

After the first night, 23 women remained. Of those 23, Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine are chosen for the first group outing.

Colton and his ladies are joined by none other than Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, two of my favorite comedic actors who also happen to be one of my favorite in-real-life celebrity couples. Who knew they were members of Bachelor Nation?

Megan’s intro is a spot-on joke where she introduces herself as 23-year-old retail worker “Lauren H.” Then, the longtime couple explains the date activity: Each of the women (and Colton) will be expected to participate in a storytelling night, telling a story about one of their memorable “firsts” to a group of 200 people.

Megan and Nick each give a surprisingly sexual and graphic (for ABC) example of the type of innuendo-laden story they’d tell. None of the ladies quite match that level of risqué.

Colton’s story is an earnest and sweet (but again, sorta bland) recounting of the first time he told a teammate the truth about being a virgin.

Many of the women’s stories are honestly pretty forgettable, save a handful.

Elyse, who at 31 is one of the two oldest contestants remaining, reveals that her appearance on the show marks the first time she’s ever dated a younger guy (Colton). This leads Demi to call Elyse “brave” in a confessional because “there’s no advantage to being an older woman here.”

Urrrrrr… OK. So begins the episode’s greatest conflict: Demi vs. the Over-27s.

Onyeka recounts how she “saved” Colton from some “thirsty girls” (aka, Catherine) on Night 1. Catherine retaliates by snarking that she “knows how to swim,” complete with a literal mic drop. More like a mic slam.

Surprisingly, Onyeka and Catherine’s apparently still-simmering feud barely plays any part at all throughout the rest of the episode, largely thanks to what comes next.

For the final performance, Demi uses her storytime to plant her first kiss on Colton, calling it “the story of how I got the first group date rose.”

Bold move! But Tracy, who is also 31, is not pleased. She spends several rounds of confessionals complaining about how immature and disrespectful Demi is.

Things only get worse and more tense during the nighttime portion of the date.

While the women are all still vying for the group date rose, Demi snags Colton first and gets another kiss with him, while Tracy continues to fume. Demi jokingly grabs “her rose” (the group date rose) off the table when she gets back, causing poor Tracy to feel “short of breath” and “slightly sick to [her] stomach.”

This is obviously a massive overreaction, and Tracy takes lots of Demi’s behavior way too personally on this episode. I get where she’s coming from — Demi’s aggressiveness is grating and more than a bit obnoxious. But I’m not exactly rooting for Tracy here. I’m not rooting for either of them in this face-off, to be honest.

In a moment of private time, Nicole emotionally reveals to Colton that her twin brother is “severely autistic.” He’s supportive and genuinely sweet about it, bringing up his work with sick kids and children’s hospitals.

Tracy takes Demi aside and explains why she thought sullying the group date rose was a big no-no. Demi agrees and says she understands, but she’s clearly just telling Tracy what she thinks Tracy wants to hear.

In the end, all the Tracy-Demi drama doesn’t matter at all because it’s Elyse who gets the group date rose from Colton, who blushes and stares at her with stars in his eyes all throughout their one-on-one time together during the date.

Colton: “I definitely think I can learn a thing or two [from you].”

One-on-One: Hannah B.

The next day, Colton chooses Hannah B. for the world’s most awkward first date. It’s also her “golden birthday,” which apparently means she’s turning 24? (I, personally, had no clue what a “golden birthday” even is.)

Poor Miss Alabama is a total nervous wreck, and the producers really play that up in editing. There’s lots of long silences and uncomfortable moments to make it all seem probably worse than it actually was.

That said, the whole Hannah-can’t-bring-herself-to-make-a-toast portion in the hot tob is nearly unwatchable.

Hannah B.: “Let’s make a toast to… this amazing day and… um… roll tide.”

Oy.

Colton seems extremely regretful of choosing Hannah B. for the first one-on-one (he’s probably thinking he should’ve gone with that other Hannah at this point). It seems like there’s no way in hell Hannah B. will be getting the one-on-one date rose, but she manages to pull it together after Colton calls her out on the awkwardness.

The nighttime dinner portion of their one-on-one goes a lot more smoothly once Colton assures Hannah B. she doesn’t have to keep trying to be so perfect for him. His assurances work, and she eventually lets her guard down enough to open up to him.

Hannah B. asks Colton why he’s a virgin, then tells him that she initially wanted to save herself for marriage, but lost her virginity in an earlier relationship. She felt a lot of guilt about it and now feels bad that she’s unable to give her virginity to the person she marries.

Girl…

This actually makes me super sad for Hannah B., and also more generally angry that women are so often made to feel badly about having and acting upon completely natural sexual desires. Ugh.

Colton reassures Hannah B., thanks her for opening up, then gives her the date rose. They smooch in front of some fireworks, and Hannah B. “could definitely see herself falling in love with Colton.” Because what else is she gonna say? “It was just sorta okay, he seems nice”?

Meanwhile, as Hannah B. is out and about with Colton, Caelynn is gossiping about her back at the mansion.

Apparently, Caelynn and Hannah B. were roomies together during Miss USA. They were buddies… until Caelynn was first runner-up and Hannah B. didn’t even place. Caelynn describes it as a “switch” flipping in Hannah, so there’s clearly plenty of drama yet to unfold there.

Second Group Date: Camp Bachelor Jamboree

Group Date Number Two rolls around the following day. Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather are chosen for this date, which is summer camp-themed.

Everything seems low-key and cute — until Chris Harrison drives up with none other than Billy Eichner.

Billy Eichner: “I wanted a guest spot on The Goldbergs and I got this!”

Why is Billy Eichner here? I have no idea, but I love it. He’s hilarious, and all of the second group date ladies instantly lose a few points with me for their unbelievably tepid response to his arrival. It’s painfully clear they don’t recognize him or have any idea he’s even famous.

Billy and Chris reveal that the group date is actually an overnight (though Colton is sleeping separately, so no hanky-panky). The women will be split into two teams (Red and Yellow) and will compete to stay for the overnight portion / more time with Colton. The losers have to go back to the mansion and sulk.

The best part of this portion of the episode is Billy’s little talk with Colton. He quizzes Colton about his virginity and jokingly asks whether Colton might want to try being gay.

Billy Eichner: “Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor and we don’t even know it! Put that in your promo.”

Too good. Also, let’s maybe actually make that happen, producers. Obviously not with Colton — who is clearly straight — but with an actually gay man. Please and thank you!

Red and Yellow compete in a series of camp-related activities: egg and spoon, wheelbarrow, and three-legged footraces (Red wins), a canoe race (Yellow wins, after the Red team gets so lost they’re “like Colton trying to find a vagina!” according to Billy), and finally, tug of war.

Red wins that last game, so those six women (Alex, Katie, Cassie, Heather, Caelynn, and Tayshia) get to stay and have cozy campfire moments with Colton.

Everyone back at the mansion wonders whether Colton will actually lose his virginity to someone at “camp.” And no, of course he won’t. That is not how television works. They’re obviously saving this for the Fantasy Suites in a few weeks.

The remainder of the second group date isn’t particularly exciting, but several women do have moments with Colton.

Heather, after experiencing a lot of anxiety over it, finally confesses to Colton that not only is she, too, a virgin, but that she’s never even kissed anyone. Colton is surprised, but then babbles some things about how she knows her value and has self-worth, which sorta rubs me the wrong way.

Caelynn takes the high road when Colton asks how she’s getting along with the other women in the house — a question that was so obviously fed to him by producers in the hopes of amping up the Caelynn/Hannah B. drama. She says that she loves everybody. Foiled again, producers!!

Instead, Caelynn confides in Colton about how she nearly died of encephalitis when she was 2. This inspired her desire to work with children’s hospitals as Miss North Carolina. They bond over that, and Colton kisses her again. This is at least their second kiss.

But in the end, Colton (who seems to have a real thing for vulnerability) gives Heather the second group date rose for having opened up to him about her sex-virginity and her kiss-virginity. Which… OK, fine.

The Cocktail Party

The cocktail party rolls around, and it’s actually pretty genuinely dramatic thanks to a few key players.

I think I might be about to rescind my earlier support of Onyeka.

“Drowning in b*tches” last week was funny, but interrupting Sydney’s one-on-one time with Colton (in which Sydney admits to cheating in the canoe race, which is kinda funny) by blowing an airhorn is a bit much. Whichever producer is feeding Onyeka all these dumb props needs to chill out and maybe slow their roll. She’s getting a little annoying, good puns about being “a little bit horny” aside.

Sydney lamely attempts to retaliate by banging some pots and pans together, but Onyeka doesn’t back down… until Sydney comes back banging an even bigger pot.

Courtney, who was on the losing Yellow team, is stressed about not having had much time with Colton, so she scoops him up early on. She gives him the rundown about her background, namely that she’s very mature for her age (23) because she’s the oldest of five kids (the youngest of her siblings is 2).

It seems to work on Colton; he’s really feeling her whole “ready for a family” thing. Again, this dude is 26.

The all-around “childishness” of those around her is stressing Tracy out once again.

Just as she gets a moment alone with Colton, a producer sends Demi over in a robe Demi walks over in nothing but a robe and spirits him away to her “Fantasy Closet” upstairs.

Caitlin: “Does [Demi] not have parents?”

Some tricky editing at first makes it look like ~sexual~ things are taking place in said “Fantasy Closet,” but it’s actually just Demi giving Colton a little massage and chatting with him.

Regardless of the relative innocence of what went down, Tracy completely melts down as a result of Demi’s behavior. She retreats to her room to sob, which again is a wee bit melodramatic. I don’t think Tracy is long for this show if she can’t handle run-of-the-mill escapades like this.

When Demi comes back down and rejoins the group, Tracy is still gone and the other women chastise her for her behavior/for upsetting Tracy. Demi could truly not give less of a crap that Tracy’s feelings were hurt.

Demi: “The cougar attacks do not get to me at all.”

Demi takes the initiative (or the producers tell her) to go upstairs and speak to Tracy, who flat-out tells Demi that she was “rude and mean.” Instead of getting defensive, Demi compliments Tracy by calling her “one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met” and assures her that she should “just keep doing you.”

This sounds like a load of baloney to me, and Tracy pretty much agrees. Notably, Demi doesn’t apologize at all for what she did.

The Rose Ceremony

Elyse, Hannah B., and Heather all got roses on their respective dates, so they’re all safe. In addition to those three, Colton hands roses to (in order): Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G., Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Caitlin, Nina, and finally, Tracy (much to her palpable relief).

That means Alex B., Angelique, Annie, and Erika (McNutt!!) are sent packing. Among this group, I wasn’t too attached to any of them, so there’s no huge loss or big surprise here.

Going forward, I’m excited about Caelynn vs. Hannah B., whatever makes Hannah B. do that weird prolonged growl thing they keep showing in the promo, Demi vs. Tracy, and Demi vs. the concept of aging.

What did you think of this episode of The Bachelor? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

 

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

Follow @telltaletv_

Want more from Tell-Tale TV? Subscribe to our newsletter here!

30 Memorable TV Moments from 2018