Riverdale: 32 Thoughts We Had While Watching “A Kiss Before Dying” (Season 2 Episode 1)

Everybody’s new favorite small-town melodrama returns with Riverdale Season 2 Episode 1, “A Kiss Before Dying.” And yes, our quartet of plucky teen heroes is still as addictive (and slightly corny) as ever.

When we left off with Riverdale, things were a bit of a mess.

Queen Cheryl had just burned her own house to the ground, after the revelation that it was her shady, drug-dealing, wig-wearing father who had killed Cheryl’s beloved twin Jason. Archie and Veronica hooked up. Betty and Jughead almost hooked up, but exchanged sweet “I love you’s” instead — mere moments before FP’s Southside Serpent bros arrived to pledge their allegiance to a visibly-swayed Jughead.

And, of course, a masked gunman stormed Pop’s and shot Archie’s dad in cold blood.

“A Kiss Before Dying” picks up right where we left off. Here are 32 thoughts I had while watching this extremely hit-or-miss season opener.

1. Jughead’s voiceover narration is back (ugh), and I’m reminded why this has always been my least favorite part of the show. It is so beyond hokey and adds basically nothing.

2. I get that Archie doesn’t have a license and that his dad is literally bleeding to death in the seat next to him (stressful!), but dude should never be allowed to drive another car in his life. What a mess.

3. What in the ever-loving heck are the nurses and doctors at Riverdale Hospital (or whatever it’s called) wearing? What’s with the little uniforms? And the hats? What year does Riverdale take place in?

4. I’m here for Queen Alice referring to Jughead as a “beanie-wearing cad” who might have “defiled” her daughter. Mädchen Amick is too perfect.

5. Archie is firmly invested in his relationship with Veronica, there’s no doubt. Ditto Betty in her relationship with Jughead. Yet, it seems like a very pointed choice that the first (and only) person he calls from the hospital is Betty. Betty is the one to inform all the others that Fred has been shot. Hmmmm… Hope for the Barchie fans? (Are there any of those, still?)

6. Jughead rides FP’s motorcycle now! In the snow! And also rain! Wait a minute, guys, this is maybe a bad idea.

7. Fred’s near-death dreams all focus around Archie’s milestones in life — a life that Fred thinks he won’t get to experience right alongside his son. Those dreams are so on-the-nose that I’m immediately certain Fred won’t die. Way too obvious.

8. But speaking of Fred’s dreams — why is Fred so sure Archie will marry Veronica? They’re teens, and also they’ve been dating for approximately four minutes. Maybe slow your roll, Papa Andrews.

9. In Archie’s story to Veronica about his dad and his dog, Archie recalls Fred addressing him as “Little Archie.” Isn’t that the same way he says younger Betty referred to him, back in a conversation during Riverdale Season 1? Why did everybody refer to this kid as “Little Archie”? So strange.

10. Ah, yes — the much-hyped shower sex scene. Nothing like a little near-death experience to get a couple of randy teens in the mood.

11. Did Veronica — did she seriously just wear her pearl necklace and pearl bracelet in the shower? What? Why?

12. All in all, I have to say that the shower scene isn’t nearly as hot as I was expecting. 3/10.

13. Kevin’s appearance in this premiere is all too brief, but I love that he references Jughead’s ridiculous “I’m a weirdo” Season 1 speech.

14. It’s nice that all the other side character teens show up at the hospital to support Archie, but damn did Josie’s line about lending Fred some of the Pussycats’ nine lives make me cringe. Truly a perfect example of how awful and unsubtle the dialogue can be on this show.

15. I like that Veronica refuses to leave when Archie tells her to. It shows a great growth of character for her. And Archie is right — he doesn’t deserve her. V is way too cool for him.

16. Cheryl’s entrance is to die for. Unlike others, I wasn’t immediately taken with her in Season 1, but I can already tell Unhinged Cheryl will be one of my favorite things about this season.

17. It’s immediately clear that Cheryl is lying to Betty and Kevin about how her mom got burned — Mama Blossom wouldn’t risk her own life for that of her barely-tolerated daughter. But the later revelation that Penelope ran back in to retrieve a family portrait is completely nonsensical. She risks fiery death for a painting? What the hell was in it? More drugs?

18. Cheryl threatening her bedridden mom is so chilling and one of my favorite scenes of the entire premiere. Madelaine Petsch is so great at playing up Cheryl’s loonier side.

19. Did Penelope kill Clifford? What does Cheryl mean when she says she’ll tell everyone “what really happened” in the barn? Color me intrigued.

20. I dig all of the Bughead moments in this episode, but I’m particularly fond of the diner sequence. Lili and Cole have great, easy chemistry, and that’s fully on display here.

21. Also that Bughead kiss near the end of the episode is [insert fire emojis here].

22. Is Fred’s wallet going to wind up being important? If not, I will be very annoyed we wasted so much screentime talking about this damn wallet.

23. “You gave me the kiss of life, Archie Andrews. Now I’ve given it to your dad.” Cheryl, you delightful little weirdo. (Also, are we headed for some Fatal Attraction vibes with Cheryl and Archie?)

24. When the Serpents show up in Jughead’s trailer with the guy they beat up for him, I can’t help but roll my eyes a little at the idea of a bunch of grown-ass bikers taking orders from a high-schooler. But I do get the sense that Jughead will become a fan of the newfound power he holds over them (as they want to please him to prove their loyalty to FP).

25. The Lodges have the most interesting family dynamic on this show, despite the fact that it’s kind of been all over the place. Veronica and her mom started off Riverdale Season 1 as close as close could be. And now, Veronica fully believes her mom is capable of ordering Fred’s murder in cold blood. That’s quite a drastic shift.

26. That said, Veronica and Hermione’s confrontation in the hospital chapel is excellent and one of the best scenes. Great work by both actresses.

27. Now that Hiram is back in the picture (MARK CONSUELOS!!), things seem set to get even chillier in the Lodge household. That hello kiss is cold as ice.

28. All that build-up to the ~big secret~ Archie’s withholding about the shooting leads to his confession to the gang that he got scared and closed his eyes until the shooter left Pop’s and took his dad’s wallet. That’s it? How lame. I was hoping we’d find out Archie straight up killed the dude and dumped his body or something cool like that. Man, Archie is boring. Tormented Archie = even more boring.

29. Oh hey, it’s Sexual Predator Grundy! Still being a sexual predator across the river in Greendale, as it turns out.

30. Aaaaaaand she’s murdered. Oh boy. (Is it bad that I’m a little relieved we’ll definitely never see her again? That storyline was far and away the worst part of Riverdale Season 1.)

31. The obvious explanation here is that the man who murdered Grundy is the abusive ex she mentioned last season. His attempt to murder Fred could have stemmed from confusion over who his ex had been seeing in Riverdale — maybe he just had the name “Andrews” and didn’t know if it was Andrews the elder or Andrews the younger.

32. In any event, I hope the obvious explanation is wrong. Because that’s way too easy, predictable, and boring. And this show is, at the very least, not that.

What did you think of the season premiere of Riverdale? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below!

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Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW.

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