Orange Is The New Black Review: Attica! Attica! (Season 5 Episodes 1-3)

Things are not going well at Litchfield Correctional Facility, my friends. No, ma’ams, they are not. But that makes for some interesting stories to tell, right?

Not exactly. Let’s dig in.

On Orange is the New Black Season 5 Episode 1, “Riot FOMO,” we pick up exactly where we left off with several characters. Things go from bad to worse as the newly-armed Daya shoots Humprhey in the leg, escalating—and legitimizing—the riot.

Now, because Orange is the New Black has loads and loads of characters, I couldn’t possibly recap everything that happens on the episode, but suffice it to say, each character is set up for their own arc for ostensibly the rest of the season and the countdown to the next Orange is the New Black death begins (hey, if I get spoiled by Tumblr, you’re all coming with me).

The arcs with the most legitimacy (so far)—and the definitely the ones to watch for—are Taystee, whose frustration and grief over the death of beloved bestie Poussey Washington ebb and flow masterfully throughout the first three episodes and Daya, who will likely be struggling with her feelings on having (and losing) power and what that truly means.

As usual, Piper and Alex are relegated to B-story ensemble cast members as they run around with “hostage” Linda Ferguson. It’s funny to imagine the show once belonged to Piper. Another lifetime ago, it seems.

Meanwhile, Judy King is running scared, Nicky and Morello are making googly eyes at each other in the pharmacy, Boosatucky are holed up in the commissary, and Red is scheming about something or other.

I miss super-schemy Red.

In its usual black comedy way, “Riot FOMO” makes constant references to the sheer number of mass shootings in America, and folks, there are many. The bit starts out a funny and then sinks you into the sort of depressive state that makes you want to call your senator about gun control reform.

Seriously, go do that.

On Orange is the New Black Season 5 Episode 2, “F*ck, Marry, Frieda” things really go off the rails as the women contend with the notion of real power and things turn Stanford Prison Experiment real fast as some of the more sadistic inmates turn the tables on the guards.

While the strip search scene is treated with a bit of humor, the circumstances are among the darkest I can recall in this show, second only to poor Pennsatucky’s mistreatment in previous seasons.

Admittedly, it would have been… interesting to see CO Stratman and CO Blake—hell, maybe even Luschek—strip-searched, but the fact that the writers decided to focus on CO Dixon, the one whom we arguably least objectify and then go as far as to cavity-search him, any fetishistic aspects (or as Luschek references in ep. 3, “prison porn”) are removed, and the situation is revealed for what it really is: sexual assault.

While you’re writing those gun reform letters, include a sentence or two on prison reform.

As much as the guards may represent the system of oppression that treats these women so terribly, they are not the system itself and ultimately don’t deserve to be treated anymore inhumanely than the inmates do.

Remember who the real enemy is, ladies! (Hint: systemic racism and capitalism.)

Orange is the New Black Season 5 Episode 3, “Pissters,” is really where, like Red nodding off while reading files, the fatigue begins to set in. “Pissters” feels a bit too long, though, as with any episodes, it has its moments.

As night begins to fall, the women realize that this riot can only stretch for so long. Fortunately, with celebrity inmate Judy King still trapped inside, MCC has no choice but to give in to their demands, something that they ironically had not thought of until that very moment.

Elsewhere, Angie and Leanne don guard uniforms and use their erupting power to pants inmates in possibly the most ridiculous (in a good way) C-story you’ll ever see.

In reality, “Pissters” is a 57-minute long commentary on the concept of feminism and its two counterpartuitive genres: A) white feminism, being strong and independent until it comes time to help other sisters (as portrayed by Linda’s flashbackstory), and B) intersectional feminism, when Alison, a Black Muslim woman, suggests working together for the greater good of all women, even the ones they don’t like.

It’s a strong message that ends with a beautiful scene showcasing all the friendships and bonds these women have made, despite their differences, as they read off their demands—demands they created together.

“Riot FOMO” – 5 Stars

• Piper: “If this is a riot, do you think this is a step forward or backwards for equality?” Never change, Piper.
• Flaritza is a wonderful couple name.
• Freeballing in the middle of a riot. What bad luck. Life comes at you fast.
• Looks like we finally have something for Sophia to do.
• Who is this doctor and where have you been hiding him?
• I should watch a recap of last season because I genuinely don’t remember the history between Suzanne and Humphrey. Someone remind me?
• I can’t hear Soso’s voice without thinking of Waitress the Musical.
• Whelp, Day, you lost the gun. What are you gonna do now?

“F*ck, Marry, Frieda.” (Character of Focus: Frieda) – 5 stars

• The casting they do for the younger versions of these characters is always top-notch. I swear they use time machines.
• “Earn up to 1200 a week from home.” Even in prison, can’t escape YouTube robots. Is nowhere sacred?!
• Red: “Real Russians have no proverbs. We have vodka and misery. (pause) That’s a proverb.”
• It seems like Flaritza are low-key sociopaths. Not that Humphrey doesn’t deserve it, but it took them .03 seconds to lose their souls about it.
• Frieda managed to create a bomb shelter within a prison. I’m calling her when the apocalypse hits.
• CO McCollough: “Don’t f*cking say ‘cheese’!”

“Pissters” (Character of Focus: Linda) – 4 stars

• Yikes. Papa Bayley is both racist and homophobic and probably the first person to claim his is neither of those things.
• Angie: “Power erupts.”
• Piper: “Lemme see some persecution in those shoulders.”
• Linda definitely came up with “Amelia von Barlow” way too quickly.
• Black Cindy: “White, Black, Puerto Rican, Jewish. We all like us a 75% off plasma screen.” Amen.
• Linda’s flashback is… not interesting. Like… I don’t care.
• Gloria is my favorite. Has always been my favorite. Will always be my favorite.
• They made reference to Caputo’s “formidable” penis size back when he was sleeping with Figueroa. Now we get picture proof.
• Also! The breasts to penis ratio seems to be decreasing (increasing?) this season. Now we get one penis for every 2 pairs of breasts. Television has come so far.
• The contrast of Taystee’s grief vs. Soso’s grief didn’t hit me until Suzanne built that shrine.
• Coates can’t help but be a f*ckin’ creepster, can he?

What did you think of this episode of Orange is the New Black? Do you, too, not understand the hype about Flamin’ Hot Cheetos? Do you feel counterpartuitive should be a word? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below!

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All episodes of Orange is the New Black are currently streaming on Netflix.

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