The Originals Review: For the Next Millennium (Season 3 Episode 1)

The season three premiere of The Originals, titled “For the Next Millennium,” is a show stopper snore fest where everyone is a drag. Klaus is a bore. The baby vampires are a bore. Hell, even the French Quarter witches are a bore (why are they here again?)

Old faces, new villains (don’t trust anyone), and new challenges to the throne of Mikaelson.  Let’s talk about it!

Wake me up when it’s over.

Let’s just get this out of the way. From the start to the end, it’s monotonous. Where’s the killing? Where’s the mayhem? Where’s the fierce and brutal Klaus that we know and loathe in equal measure? Lucien, aka his progeny, is on the right track by offering to assist his sire. He wants to return Klaus to the vampire he was before; feared and powerful. But Klaus just pushes him away, not wanting to know about his future, or fate, from someone lesser than him. (Ummm Klaus, you created him?)

Let’s keep on with the boring, shall we?

Klaus never gives up any of his control. Cure to Hayley’s curse? Klaus in control. Ohhhh, it’s tearing his family apart? Klaus in control. Even when he speaks to Cammie in her home he’s (you guessed it) in control! There’s no push from Klaus to unite with his family and fix their problems. All we get is the Original mouthing off like he’s content with the new order he’s created.

Newsflash. He’s not.

Everyone’s checked out.

Hayley appears, but only for a minute. Elijah is off brooding in the woods and staring his brother down with no foreseeable end coming. Rebekah has not checked in or even been mentioned, with the exception of flashbacks. Freya is dancing on bar tops, Coyote Ugly style. Even baby Hope only appears for two scenes. She looks adorable in both.

No one is sitting down or planning to save this city. Well except for:

Davina Claire is trying and failing as the Regent of her coven. No one respects her power or position. It’s second hand embarrassment when one of her own attack her (talk about rude). It doesn’t stop her though. We don’t know what she has planned for the captured Hayley. We know it’s going to be bad.

Game changing, even.

Then there’s Marcel. He’s transformed a part of the church into his own training arena. He’s trying to make sure that every new vampire added to his gang is well trained for the oncoming fight. (You know, the one they don’t really talk about, but we all know is going to happen because they just can’t get along.) Continue what you’re doing Marcel. It’s the best move of the episode, and we need more of this attitude.

Baby Vampires are back.

The sons and daughters of The Originals have returned. First to step up is Lucien, Klaus’s progeny.

He weaves a tale about a conflict brewing between the sire lines. They are finally aware of the consequences that occur when the heads of their line dies (i.e. Kol and Fin) and they’ll do anything to protect themselves. It’s a welcome change that needed to be addressed seasons ago instead of having will they or won’t they moments where Marcel almost kills his creator. We all know he won’t because that would be his own destruction, so no more! Quit that line!

Back to the baby vampires. They’re quite selfish and self centered. They would take it as far as destroying an entire line without thinking twice about it.

Lucien is trying to be noble and on the side of his creator, but there is something off about him. Off about the way he integrates himself into the neighbourhood and it’s people. The activity he has going on in his apartment, during the obligatory party scene, isn’t the first or the last big bash. Wouldn’t anyone have noticed this? Marcel’s vampire? Haley’s wolves? Nothing.  (Bet that he will be the bad guy!)

His progeny seems to want Klaus in his corner instead and is playing it off as “helping” him. This baby vamp tries to strike fear in Klaus’s heart and fails. No matter how screwed up the Mikaelson’s are, they will always chose each other. Always and forever, even when they keep on daggering each other.

Oh, what a dysfunctional family.

Other Observations:

• Where the heck is Josh? Now that Davina can’t associate with vampires how will they remain besties? Friendships of trust and love are desperately needed this coming season.
• Witches can teleport now? So many questions, Freya! So little time.
• For all the excitement of Jason Dohring guest starring, he’s there for three forgettable scenes. Sure, he looks amazing, but Jason could have been replaced with anyone and we’d never know the difference.
• Bad hair choices as far the EYE CAN SEE!

Special shout out to Leah Pipes and Yusuf Gatewood for having the most fascinating, clear, and functioning comprehension of the challenge they were facing. How is it that the humans know what they were doing and the almighty vamps don’t?

Do you feel scammed out of JD scenes? Did you almost fall asleep as Klaus complained about his life without doing anything except making it worse? Would you go to that pretentious art gallery? Let us know in the comments section below!

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The Originals airs Thursdays at 9/8c on The CW.