Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Recap: Kimmy Kisses a Boy! (Season 1 Episode 5)

When “Kimmy Kisses a Boy!” begins, Kimmy is preparing for Cindy’s arrival, and she’s starting to get nervous.  She’s prepping Titus for how naive Cindy will be, and Titus is prepping for the visit by getting all of his shocking reactions out before Cindy arrives.

Kimmy has started using her new Macintosh phone more, and has been texting Buckley’s tutor, Charles. Sometimes, it’s while they are in the same room — but good for her. The flirting via texts end up with Charles kissing her in the kitchen, and the look of happiness on Kimmy’s face is adorable.

With a pep in her step, she heads back to her apartment to meet Cindy.

However, as she approaches, it appears Cindy is getting her bags stolen. Kimmy attacks the stranger, but then realizes that it’s actually Cindy’s boyfriend, Brandon. Brandon was Cindy’s middle school crush, and Kimmy remembers pretending to be him while they played in the bunker.

Turns out, Cindy’s doing really well. She and Brandon are moving into a house with an above ground pool and a below ground trampoline, she has a tattoo, and she’s managing the pet store in town. She’s almost doing better than Kimmy. But then, Kimmy shares the fact that she kissed a boy, so she’s not doing too bad either.

Titus does not buy Cindy’s story and believes that Brandon is gay…very gay. Kimmy doesn’t believe Titus, so to prove his point, he decides he’s going to try to seduce Brandon.

Kimmy, Cindy, and Brandon head out to eat, and Kimmy learns why Cindy seems to have it all: She’s telling everyone that she is a Mole Woman, and getting everything for free! And Brandon gets stuff out of it too.

While Cindy slips away to take a phone call (the school board is letting her choose which chapter to take out of the science textbook this year), Kimmy gets Brandon to confess that he does indeed like to have sex with men.

Brandon admits that although he is gay, he’s not getting stuff out of the relationship. He actually IS part of the stuff. Cindy wanted to have him, and he couldn’t say no.

Titus continues to plan his seduction and gets Lillian involved to keep Kimmy and Cindy away from the apartment. When Titus finally tries to seduce him, it doesn’t work, and he tells Kimmy that Brandon is straight. So when Titus learns that Brandon actually is gay, he wonders if he has lost his edge.

Is he too old now? Is he a bear now?!

Kimmy shoos Titus away when she gets a phone call from Charles. He wants to take things to the next level and tells Kimmy he loves her. She says she feels the same way– then she uses how well her relationship is going to mentor Cindy on hers.  Taking a walk with Cindy, she tells her she just wants her to be happy, and that maybe Brandon isn’t the right person for her.

Moments later, they walk right into a proposal. Brandon is standing in front of them with a ring, a band, and a unicorn, ready to propose to Cindy.  Kimmy can’t believe what is happening and outs Brandon.

Kimmy: “What the hell?”
Cindy: “Kimmy! Don’t use that kind of language in front of a unicorn!”

Cindy tells Kimmy that she knows about Brandon, and even though her life is just people feeling sorry for her, she’s happy.  She says that even though people feel sorry for her, she’s doing everything that she said she was going to do when she was in the bunker. Kimmy, on the other hand, hasn’t done anything she said she was going to do — she’s just a nanny who lives in a basement.

Kimmy storms away and over to Charles back at the house. She’s tired of not living, so she confirms that she loves him too, and tells him she wants to get matching tattoos (because that’s a thing now). Charles is very taken aback, and doesn’t remember calling Kimmy. That’s because he butt dialed her. We see a very different version of the actual call.

So they end their quick fling of kissing.

Poor Kimmy. And poor Titus. We find him walking down the street in a Cosby sweater. Black…gay…and old. Titus won’t know what box to check on the hate crime form. But then, Titus gets hit on by a “tasty little Bob the Builder” construction worker. Off with the sweater! The “Baby Slut” shirt underneath tells it all, and Titus’s self-esteem is back!

Kimmy and Cindy have a heart to heart.  Kimmy is happy Cindy has everything she wants, even though she took a shortcut to get there. But Kimmy can’t do that! So, she takes a step in the right direction and heads to middle school to enroll. They won’t accept her, but they do point her in the direction of a GED course! GO KIMMY! Cue The Breakfast Club Theme Song!

Favorite Quotes:

Construction Worker: “Hey red, you’re making me wish I was those jeans.”
Kimmy: “And I wish I was your yellow hat!”

Kimmy: “Good morning black!”

Kimmy: “Scram you stupid honkey!”

Kimmy: “Did you get a tattoo?”
Cindy: “Yeah! I saw it on a chinese menu and just fell in love with it. It means bean curd.”

Kimmy: “Gay hasn’t even gotten to Indiana yet.”

Kimmy: “I think I am going to have the chef salad. Who do you like to have sex with?”

Kimmy: “I’ll be here. With my kissin’ hole.”

Kimmy: “Titus, age doesn’t matter. You can die at anytime!”

Titus: “I found these butterscotches in my pocket! They just appeared!”

Kimmy: “I made everything weird. Because I am weird. And now you are looking at me like Jesus’s crazy step-brother, Terry. That’s not in the Bible is it?”

Cindy: “You’re going to take the road less traveled.”
Kimmy: “I guess so, Cindy. ”
Cindy: “Even though that’s exactly how you got kidnapped.”

School Secretary: “I’m sorry , but someone your age can’t enroll in middle school!”
Kimmy: “But Billy Madison did!”

What did you think of “Kimmy Kisses a Boy”? Be sure to share your thoughts in the comments below!

 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is available for streaming on Netflix.