The Bachelor Season Premiere Recap: “Drowning in Some B*tches” (Season 23 Episode 1)

Welcome back, Bachelor Nation!

The Bachelor Season 23 will be following Colton Underwood’s quest to find love, and anyone who’s a longtime fan of the franchise is aware that Becca Kufrin’s virginal ex was a controversial choice — to say the least.

Viewers who also watched Bachelor in Paradise last season will recall that the former NFL player was a bit of a hot mess during his appearance. But for those who didn’t tune into that show, here’s a quick refresher of where we last left Colton…

Fresh off his break-up with Season 14 Bachelorette Becca, Colton high-tailed it to Mexico, where he reunited with another ex, Tia Booth. (Tia and Colton had casually dated prior to his appearance on Becca’s season — which, again, questionable.)

The ensuing Colton/Tia back-and-forth proceeded to eat the entire first half of the season and waste everybody’s time, as Colton realized in the end that he wasn’t into the relationship after all. Both left paradise rather distraught and generally confused… only for the producers to announce him as their newest Bachelor pick soon after.

Um… say what now?

A good portion of the fanbase (particularly those who were rooting for Becca’s other runner-ups, Jason and Blake) didn’t buy that Colton was genuinely ready to find love, so soon after his break-up with Becca and his confused Tia mess. Obviously, Colton addresses this criticism head-on in the premiere of his season, repeatedly assuring Chris Harrison that he does truly know what he wants. For real this time!

So, let’s see how that goes, shall we?

And before I jump in, a quick side note: I’m going to completely ignore the “live viewing party” portions of the premiere episode, because honestly it’s boring AF and nobody really cares about two rando couples getting engaged. Sorry not sorry. The Chris Harrison tribute video is cute; maybe go watch that part on YouTube if you want.

The Women

Overall, the ladies vying for Colton’s heart seem to have great personalities. And of course, they’re all stunning, as per usual.

Shockingly, there are exactly ZERO Laurens this season. I know!!!! There is one Laura though, and two Hannahs (both 23 and both from Alabama, confusingly).

Eight of the women get intro videos.

Cassie is a speech pathologist from Huntington Beach, California. She seems sweet and unassuming, and she really likes the beach.

Hannah B., the first of the two Hannahs, is Miss Alabama. She proudly says she’s only kissed four guys, and though she’s not a virgin, she loves the fact that Colton is one. She also refers to herself as the “Hot Mess Express,” which… okay.

22-year-old Heather has very large eyes and her job title is “Never Been Kissed.” No, not like she’s an expert on a certain classic Drew Barrymore romcom — she’s just never kissed anybody before. Also, she’s a virgin. So like, lady Colton, I guess is what they’re going for? She also inexplicably has a framed photo of herself with Colton, which is a little creepy, not gonna lie.

Next is Onyekachukwu Ehie, a Dallas native from a Nigerian family, who goes by “Onyeka.”

She’s an early favorite of mine — she’s got a ton of personality! Her parents dated for two weeks and then got engaged, and now they’ve been together for 28 years. Cute! Also explains why she thinks this whole crazy Bachelor process can actually work.

Nicole is from Miami and very close to her family, particularly her brother AJ, who has autism. She remarks that she and AJ are a “package deal” and that “he’s gonna be with me always.”

Kirpa is a dental hygienist. She also looks so much like Taylor Nolan from Nick Viall’s season at first glance!

Demi is a “country girl” from Texas and her mom is in federal prison. Yes, that’s seriously all we learn about her in that intro segment. Her mom even calls her from prison in the middle of her intro interview, and Demi says that the next time she’ll see her mom after she’s released might be with Colton. Uh… wow!

Here Comes the Bachelor!

Enter: Colton, dripping wet, taking a shower beachside. Casual.

In his intro, Colton reiterates his history on the show and repeats his two major talking points: that he truly fell in love with Becca (so he knows this process works) and that he’s a virgin. The “first virgin Bachelor,” in fact. He also talks with Chris Harrison about the fact that not everybody likes him. Awks.

Colton Meets the Women

There are a whopping 30 women total, and we obviously don’t get to see every single entrance (which is standard Bachelor procedure). For the sake of brevity, I’ll recap only the noteworthy intros and some of the common themes.

Obviously, a lot of the ladies lean hard into the whole virgin thing, making jokes and lightly teasing Colton about it.

Country gal Demi jokes that she “hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12,” which made me laugh out loud. Realtor Caitlin brings along a red balloon and then POPS it, joking that she’s popping his cherry. Katie does a “magic trick” where she pulls Colton’s “V” card. Cheeky.

Interestingly, Heather (the only other known virgin in the cast aside from Colton) does not lead with the virgin thing.

Three of the women try to woo Colton with their knowledge of second languages.

Nicole speaks to Colton in Spanish, and he completely misses the fact that she’s quoting a line from the Camila Cabello song “Havana” to him. Guess Colton doesn’t listen to much Top 40. Revian greets Colton in Mandarin, and Nina similarly introduces herself by speaking Croatian (her first language).

Two of the women are beauty queens.

Caelynn is Miss North Carolina and jokes in her intro that she’s hoping to be “Miss Underwood,” even busting out a sash with that on it that she proceeds to wear for the rest of the night. It’s a cute joke, except for the fact that it should technically be “MRS. Underwood.”

Hannah B. is Miss Alabama. She’s a little salty when she realizes Caelynn is there, because apparently Caelynn was first runner-up in Miss USA, which was much farther than Hannah B. got.

The award for most awkward entrance definitely goes to Alex D., who dresses as a sloth and moves and speaks veeeeeeery sloooooooowly (because she heard Colton “likes to take things slow”).

This could’ve been funny, but it just goes on way too long. Also nothing will ever top Alexis’ Dolphin-Shark entrance on Nick Viall’s season. So there’s that.

The cutest entrance is definitely Cassie’s box of butterflies move. She jokes that she has butterflies, then literally produces a box of fake ones, which she and Colton then dump out. It’s sweet and takes a turn for the extra adorable when Colton pockets one of the fallen butterflies after she walks into the mansion. Cuuuuute.

Then, of course, there are the entrances that made me roll my eyes or groan aloud.

Sydney, an NBA dancer from New York, announces to Colton that she had to choose between basically quitting her job and coming on the show, which immediately makes me question her sanity. Girl, what? Why? What?

Tracy, a wardrobe stylist, rides up in a police car and jokes that she’s the “fashion police.”

Big ugh.

Bri is already familiar to fans because her preview went viral. She’s fake Australian accent girl. Ironically, we see very little of her during the ensuing cocktail party, despite her newfound Internet stardom.

Erin enters on a horse-drawn carriage, which is incredibly beyond corny. She also gives him one of her shoes to real tie in the Cinderella theme.

The best part about this entrance is the quip it sparks from Erika McNutt, who brought Colton a large bag of nuts.

Erika: I really could have done a lot more than a bag of nuts.

This is obviously the first excellent quote of the season.

Finally, there’s Catherine, who is so blatantly telegraphed as the “villain” of the season among the women. She’s a DJ from Florida and she brings along her senior dog, a 10-year-old Pomeranian named Lucy. She hands off the dog to Colton and informs him that he’ll be caring for the dog for the duration of their time there — which is honestly super weird!

Beyond being a strange move, Catherine bringing along her dog pisses off some of the other women, who either miss their own dogs or feel this gives Catherine an unfair advantage in wooing known dog-lover Colton.

This drama leads to the night’s first inkling of tension that spills over into…

The Cocktail Party

Demi is the first woman to grab Colton after he makes his intro speech, which he delivers in a very stiff way that sounds as if he’s reading off a bunch of cue cards. Soon after, McNutt approaches Colton to aggressively question why he’s still a virgin. Colton looks slightly terrified of her.

The alarm bells start going off the moment Colton sits down with Hannah G., who looks so much like actress Sara Paxton that I keep getting distracted by it.

Colton’s whole demeanor changes when he’s talking to Hannah G. He lights up like a damn lightbulb, and he can’t stop smiling at her. Surprisingly, they don’t kiss right then, but the chemistry is clear as day.

Caelynn (aka Miss North Carolina) gets the first kiss of the night after Colton compliments her eyes.

She’s 23 but assures him she’s ready for marriage. He’s down.

Sydney, the NBA dancer who made the ill-advised decision to ditch her career for a dude she literally does not know at all, pulls Colton away for a private dance, complete with a string quartet.

It’s actually pretty charming and romantic, I must begrudgingly admit.

Sloth Girl Alex D. hangs out in a tree for a while, continuing the sloth shtick well past its humor. When she gets a minute with Colton she finally takes off the costume. She’s cute, but she talks so much and so fast.

The highlight of the cocktail party is obviously the Catherine-centric drama. If it wasn’t already clear she is poised to be the season’s villain… Well, she sure makes it clear.

Catherine: “These girls are like beautiful statues. There’s not much substance to them.”

Fashion Police Tracy steals Colton when Catherine is talking to him. Undeterred, Catherine quickly steals him back — bold move. Then, Onyeka solidifies her position as my absolute fave by donning a snorkel and interrupting Catherine the Interrupter, joking that she heard Colton is “drowning in some b*tches” and she’s here to save him.” I love it. I love it so much.

Catherine later steals Colton for a third time, prompting Onyeka to confront her. Their conversation is a little tense but ultimately calm and level-headed. It seems that Onyeka has gotten through to Catherine until…

Catherine steals Colton for a fourth time. This has to be some kind of Bachelor record.

Time will tell whether Catherine ends up being a true villain or just a discount version of Corinne who will be sent packing sooner rather than later.

Katie gets the night’s second kiss.

Cassie teaches Colton how to say “kiss” in sign language but inexplicably neither of them go in for an actual kiss. Huh.

The First Impression Rose Goes To…

Sara Paxton Hannah G.!

I mean, duh. The writing was on the wall there. Colton hands over the rose, which she gladly accepts as he twinkles his eyes at her a bunch more. Colton says that Hannah G. immediately felt like “home” to him, which is super sweet and something he repeats in the live viewing portion of the premiere.

The Rose Ceremony

A bunch of the women freak out because they didn’t get to speak to Colton during the cocktail party, which happens just about every year. A few of them are explicitly annoyed at Catherine, noting that she got to speak with Colton four separate times.

In the end, in addition to Hannah G., Colton hands roses to (in order): Caelynn, Katie, Alex B., Hannah B., Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erica, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and finally (probably because the producers told him he had to), Catherine. 

Alex D. (aka Sloth Girl), Devin, Erin, Jane, Laura, Revian, and Tahzjuan are eliminated. Among that group the only one I’m surprised about is Tahzjuan, because she’s truly stunning. She also seems shocked that she’s going home Week 1.

The Season Ahead

As per usual, Chris Harrison promises us “the most dramatic season ever,” and the season preview that airs at the premiere’s end is actually pretty dramatic. Colton’s signature move seems to be lifting girls up so they can throw their legs around his waist. He also jumps over a wall and runs away at one point, before or after crying that he keeps putting himself out there and getting his heart broken.

Of course, I’ve been tricked by The Bachelor‘s tricky editing before, so it remains to be seen whether Colton is actually trying to escape his women. Or maybe he’s running off to Arkansas to retrieve Tia? Hmmmm… Only time will tell.

What did you think of The Bachelor‘s premiere episode? Let us know in the comments, and tune in Mondays at 8/7c on ABC as Colton’s journey to find love continues.

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