Buffy the Vampire Slayer Re-Watch: Dating on the Hellmouth is Hard

When it comes to sexual encounters and dating on the Hellmouth, it looks like our Scooby gang is going to have a rough time ahead of them.

Both “Teacher’s Pet” and “Never Kill a Boy on the First Date” are episodes that focus a bit on the more extracurricular activities of being in high school and teach us in the process that love on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is going to be a complicated bitch.

Plus, we need to talk about The Anointed One.

Let’s first chat about Xander’s bad luck. “Teacher’s Pet” centers around a teacher that offers our good friend Xander the chance to lose his virginity, an opportunity that this hormone crazed boy isn’t about to pass up. There’s just one problem…she’s totally a praying mantis demon and she just wants to mate, lay eggs, and then rip his head off. Buffy needs to save his butt…again.

Of all the teachers and women in the world, Xander has to go get himself hooked up with a demon?

It makes sense. Xander has been feeling incredibly frustrated both sexually and emotionally. He’s got quite a crush on Buffy, a feeling the slayer doesn’t reciprocate because she sees him as one of the girls, an incredibly emasculating thing to say to a guy.

Ms. French’s sexual offer to Xander also allows for great dialogue about the high school virginity storyline. The idea of a praying mantis biting off the head of its mate is a clear metaphor for a teenager losing their virginity, but there’s some great stuff here about the pressures that teenagers feel when trying to maintain “cool” status as a virgin. There’s also that great moment when Blaine describes Ms. French’s “mating ritual,” which is most definitely a commentary on what some teenagers actual feel like after sex, initially. The realities are horrific for some.

Xander’s dreams give us some insight into his desires…he wants to be everything; a rock star, Buffy’s boyfriend, a charming hero. He sadly ends up being none of those things, and his growing jealousy over Buffy’s friendship with Angel is starting to make us believe that Xander’s story is going to be a little sad.

Hey, he’s still got Willow, right? She REALLY likes him. Why can’t he just look at her the way he looks at Buffy?

Buffy’s story in “Never Kill a Boy on the First Date” is far more heartbreaking than Xander’s personal struggles, not only because we see her failing, once again, while trying to be a normal teenager, but also because we realize that Buffy may end up a lone wolf. That is, unless she can find a super-human boyfriend.

Owen is such a bore, but he’s pretty to look at. His entire, “I love Emily Dickinson” act seems trite. He’s not incredibly interesting and long term, even if he wasn’t a bait magnet, he and Buffy would never have worked. Again, he’s pretty. I guess that’s enough to hold’s Buffy’s interests.

Giles is right to remind Buffy of her duty. He’s watching for her own best interests and the best interests of Owen, really. With the news that there’s an Anointed One arriving, and the threat of the Master looming around each corner, it’s not such a surprising idea that it’s not a great time for Buffy to decide to date.

Giles: If your identity as a slayer is revealed, it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy:  Well, in that case, I won’t wear my button that says ‘I’m a Slayer – Ask Me How.’

I do love that as Buffy expresses what this date means to her, Giles softens a bit. For his part, he’s really got the harder job than Buffy in this episode. He’s trying to appease Buffy’s human needs and desires, while still preparing her for the dangers that are ahead. Their dynamic is very quickly becoming much more of a father/daughter one. While he finds her strange and confusing, he also has a deep affinity for her and wants to help her get what she wants, even if it is dangerous and wacky.

Buffy’s need for things un-slayer related is something that Giles never anticipated having to balance with his slayer. Giles knew he would be a watcher from the time he was ten years old. For him, it was family duty, something passed down through generations. Buffy’s cavalier attitude about her duties seems frivolous and immature to Giles, but he’s slowly coming to realize that his relationship with Buffy is just as unique as the slayer herself. He’s not just teaching lore to Buffy, but also sacrifice.

He also eventually understands that, for Buffy, going on a date is just as important as the fate of humanity.

It sucks that Buffy’s date happens to fall on the night that the foretold Anointed One is set to show up. It’s also hilarious to watch Owen be confused by Buffy’s world and unsurprising that he finds it so exhilarating. This guy’s life has consisted of Emily Dickinson as his security blanket, so of course the first sign of adventure is going to excite him. But it can’t last, for a number of reasons.

Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn’t mean at the same time.

Buffy can’t date Owen, or anyone for that matter. She’s already putting her friends lives at risk, as well as her own, and to bring someone new into the fold seems selfish and dangerous. Buffy needs a man who will understand her duties and fight alongside her. This is high school and the Hellmouth though, so what she’s looking for is a tall order.

Or is it?

So all along, we’ve been waiting for this Anointed One, this one who Buffy will not know and who will lead her into Hell.

And we get this kid.

I’ll admit that the reveal of this is incredibly surprising, but also groan-inducing. There’s nothing I despise more than kids on my mature adult content television shows. And just from the look of this kid, I get the feeling that I’m going to hate him. Maybe I’m being mean, he hasn’t even spoken yet.

There’s just something about his smug little grin right there at the end.

All the Feels…Buffy and Angel Watch: 

Xander: What you need is a man who already knows your deepest darkest secrets and still says, “Hey! I like that girl!”

There is some significant movement on the Buffy and Angel front in these two episodes, mainly the moment when Angel gives Buffy his jacket, and she sees that he’s been fighting. There’s also his clear jealousy when he discovers that Buffy is on a date.

Their chemistry is already the most sexual thing on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though Angel hasn’t appeared on the screen very much at all to date. What is his deal? Is he also watching Buffy? I mean, that much is pretty clear. But his motivation is still a secret. What is it about Buffy that’s making Angel lurk in every corner of her world?

More importantly, what is it that Angel is hiding?

Pop Into Pop Culture References:

• The Exorcist  was a huge movie in the 70’s about a little girl who was possessed by a demon.
• “We’re on Monster Island,” is a reference to Godzilla.
• Xander impersonates Seinfeld with his, “Knowledge is the ultimate weapon,” schtick.
• “Here endeth the lesson,” is from the movie The Untouchables.
• Superman, “Even Clark Kent had a day job!”

Cordeliaisms: 

• To Owen, who is dancing with Buffy: “You are SO good to help the needy.”
• About Angel: “Pick up the phone, call 9-1-1, because that boy is going to lose some serious oxygen when I’m done with him.”

Today’s Music Was Brought to You By:

• Superfine performs, “Already Met You” at The Bronze.
• Velvet Chain performs, “Strong” and “Treason” at The Bronze.
• Three Day Wheely’s “Rotten Apples”
• “Let the Sun Fall Down” by Kim Richey

Stay tuned for the next installment of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer re-watch, when we get in-depth about, “The Pack,” and why it’s message about bullying holds up today.