How Well Do You Know the Lyrics to These Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Songs?

1.

“West Covina”

See the sparkle of the concrete ground/ Hear the woosh of the bustling town/ What a feeling of love in my gut/ I’m falling faster than the middle school’s ____________ was cut.

2.

“Settle for Me”

Babycakes just settle for me/ Shmoopy-pie, I’m begging you, please/ Can’t you see the light?/ ___________ I’m so bereft/Demeaning terms are all I have left/ of my masculinity so settle for me.

3.

“Where’s the Bathroom”

You call that a bathroom?/ That’s what passes for a bathroom?/ There were no _________________ or any decorative soaps/You don’t even have a bathmat/ Who doesn’t have a bathmat/If you need a bathmat I can…

4.

“Women Gotta Stick Together”

So let’s all spread this message like ________spreads disease/ Cuz a change is coming faster than __________ drops to her knees/ Together we can clear these hurdles/ except Marissa cuz she’s 4 foot 8/ We can climb every mountain/ if the rope can support Haley’s weight.

5.

“Heavy Boobs”

Here is a list of all of the objects that I can hold under my boobs: stapler, ten pencils, paperback copy of Arabian Nights, __________, remote control, hardback copy of Wuthering Heights.

6.

“You Stupid Bitch”

You’re just a ________ little slut who ruins things and deceives the people she loves/ Now he knows I’m not some innocent lamb/ He sees me for what I am/ which is a horrible, stupid, dumb and ugly, fat and stupid, simple, self-hating bitch!

7.

“After Everything I’ve Done For You (That You Didn’t Ask For)”

I broke into Josh’s old high school and made copies of all his grades/ I bumped into Lourdes at __________ and suggested you be a bridesmaid/ I blackmailed Valencia’s boss, so now I control when she teaches/That’s right, I make yoga class schedules/ There’s no limit to where my reach is.

8.

“Love Kernels”

Love kernels, each little crumb another tasty clue/ Love kernels, cuz if you read between the lines he’s saying I love you/Love kernels, save those kernels up to make a bowl of popcorn/ Love Kernels, _________________________________________.

9.

“Maybe This Dream”

Maybe this dream won’t be like when I go running/ and I have to take a dump so I have to rush home/ Plus I also have my period, so I have menstrual cramps plus dump cramps/ And as I run frantically, I pee just a little/ because I’ve had two babies/ so by the time I get home, my undies smell like ______________/ Maybe this dream won’t be like that!

10.

“It Was A Shit Show”

But after sex what happens next?/ I mean in the long run not just fatigue and hunger/ And when you say that I should stay/That’s exactly when _______________________/ I won’t forget, I won’t regret/This beautiful, heart-stopping, breathtaking life changing…

11.

“Friendtopia”

Roll Call!/ Rebecca, the brainy one/ Head of censorship and mind control/Heather, the cool one/ I put drugs in the water supply/ Valencia, the sexy one/ ____________________.

12.

“You Go First”

This is almost entirely all my fault here/But you gotta admit, it’s just a tiny bit your fault too/This is so all on me/but still you kind of have to agree/that sometimes you can be really _____________.

13.

“Santa Ana Winds”

I’m mystical but also carry dangerous spores/I bring whimsy and forest fires/When I blow there’s magic in the air/And a higher risk of ____________.

14.

“Let’s Generalize About Men”

All men are ____________________/ All men only want to have sex/There are no exceptions all three billion men are like this/ All 3.6 Billion men.

15.

“A Diagnosis”

What could it be/ What could be right/schizophrenic or bipolar light/I’ve never heard voices, but maybe it’s time to start/ Obsessives with numbers/______________/I could really rock a tin foil hat/Perfect, they’re not but at least they know who they are.